5 Common Mistakes to Avoid in Full Therapeutic Disclosure

If sexual betrayal is jeopardizing your marriage, a full therapeutic disclosure is crucial for healing. Attempting to move forward without sharing the full truth with your spouse and establishing a strong foundation of honesty is a path that only leads to continued destruction. However, not all disclosures are helpful. It's essential to avoid these common mistakes when preparing your disclosure document to ensure a safe, effective, and healing experience.

1. Preparing by yourself

The fastest way to torpedo your full disclosure is to make it a DIY project. Treating the rebuilding of your marriage like it's a weekend bathroom makeover is a terrible idea. Get professional guidance! Tens of thousands of people have already been through this process, which has been studied and refined significantly over the past 20 years. Please, I beg you, find a seasoned guide to help you navigate this journey. I've helped dozens of men through the full disclosure process, and I'd be happy to talk with you about your next steps. If I'm not a good fit, many other qualified professionals can help. I suggest searching the directory of disclosure guides at Kintsugi Recovery Partners.

2. Blaming, Minimizing,and Rationalizing

One reason you need a disclosure guide is to help you recognize the subtle ways we often fail to take full ownership of our selfish sexual behaviors. We do this by shifting blame onto our spouse, minimizing the true scope and impact of our behaviors, and rationalizing our indefensible actions. If you deflect responsibility in your disclosure, it will backfire in a big way.

Here are just a few of the phrases I often find in disclosures that signal blaming, minimizing or rationalizing:

• "I only ..."

• "I rarely ..."

• "When you ... you gave me no choice but to ..."

• "You were so focused on the kids that I had to ..."

• "It was just sex."

• "You don't have the sex drive that I do."

3. Asking for Forgiveness, apologizing, and declaring your love

The purpose of a disclosure is to provide the full truth about all of your sexual behaviors, which betrayed spouses must understand to face reality and make decisions about their future. It is not the time or place to repeatedly say how sorry you are, ask for forgiveness, or declare your undying love. These statements often feel manipulative and ring hollow to betrayed spouses, who are learning that much of what they thought to be true about their life was a lie. Forgiveness may eventually come, but a betrayed spouse must first know what happened and have time to process the impact on their life.

In your disclosure narrative, stick to the facts. Afterward, in the second leg of the full therapeutic disclosure process, a betrayed spouse will take time to explore, write down, and share the many ways their life has been upended by betrayal in their Impact Statement. Then, in the final leg of the process, you will prepare an Emotional Restitution Letter to take ownership of that impact, validate their feelings, empathize with their pain, offer a heartfelt apology, and lay out a recovery plan for the future.

4. Being Vague

Clear and direct communication is essential in a disclosure. I've met many guys who genuinely felt they had already disclosed everything to their wife, only to discover later that their use of vague language meant she had no real understanding of what actually happened. For example, you may have told your spouse this: "I occasionally acted out with videos over the last few years." That statement can mean so many different things.

In contrast, a full disclosure might look like this: "I viewed pornography and masturbated an average of 1 to 3 times a week over the last five years, starting around once a week when I bought my smartphone and progressing to three times a week in the last year. I would generally do this in the basement late at night, after you went to bed. About 10% of the time, I would do this in the bathroom while showering. In general, I would do this for 10 to 15 minutes at a time. I hid this from you by using an incognito browser and lying about staying up late to watch sports. The last time I engaged in these behaviors was three weeks ago, when you walked in and caught me."

See the difference?

5. No support for your spouse

Your spouse has likely already endured multiple traumatic experiences because of your betrayals, and hearing your full disclosure will be another traumatic moment. Your spouse needs professional help and support to heal from the betrayal trauma just as much as you need professional help to overcome your unwanted sexual behaviors. A disclosure guide who helps the betrayed spouse prepare to hear the truth is essential.

Here are just a few of the ways an experienced disclosure guide can help a betrayed spouse:

• Determining what level of detail is needed to begin healing and what details would be harmful to the healing process if disclosed.

• Formulating specific questions that the betrayed spouse wants answered in the disclosure.

• Determining whether a disclosure polygraph would help build a foundation of truth and honesty in the relationship.

• Teaching self-regulation and grounding techniques to help stay present and regulated when hearing the truth.

• Establishing healthy boundaries while waiting for disclosure.

Conclusion

Providing your spouse with the full truth about your selfish sexual behaviors requires great courage and deep humility. It might be the hardest thing you'll ever do. That's why it's vitally important to avoid these common mistakes when preparing your therapeutic disclosure. I'm so proud of you for taking this step toward honesty. I know it's scary because I've walked this road in my own life, but I also know the freedom and hope that comes from being fully known by the person you love the most.

If you'd like to talk, please schedule a free consultation call now. I'm here to help.