Therapeutic Disclosure

Build a New foundation of honesty

Being honest with your spouse about how you've sexually and emotionally betrayed them might be the most difficult thing you'll ever do.

It WILL change your life, but maybe not in the horrible ways dancing through your head right now.

Instead, leave some room for the possibility that coming clean might be a key step in finding freedom from your sexual sin, and could even transform your marriage into the relationship you've always desired but thought was impossible.

Being fully honest begins the process of rebuilding safety, trust and vulnerability, which leads to true intimacy in your relationship.

Sometimes, the only way to save a marriage is to love your spouse enough to risk losing them. I know this is true because I've seen it happen in my own marriage and many others.

Find Healing in honesty

Marriages don't always heal after disclosure, but even when they don't, both partners and addicts overwhelmingly report they are glad the disclosure happened, according to researchers Deborah Corley and Jennifer Schneider.

Their study of 164 sex addicts and partners found that 93 percent of partners and 96 percent of addicts felt disclosure had been the right thing to do, despite the pain.

They also found that over half the partners threatened to leave after disclosure, but only one-quarter of couples actually separated. Yes, disclosure hurts, but it also brings freedom and hope for the future of a relationship.

"One can never by 100% sure where disclosure will lead. Nonetheless, both addicts and partners have learned that honesty is the best way to find healing," Corley and Schneider wrote in their book "Disclosing Secrets."

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7 Things to keep in mind

If you're considering disclosure of an affair, an addiction to pornography or sex, or some other unwanted sexual behavior, here are seven things to keep in mind:

Take a deep breath and slow down. Blurting out the details of your sexual brokenness to your spouse and unleashing the lake of shame that's been dammed up within you would probably feel good, but it is not fair to your spouse. This is a complex process that needs to be tackled with care and compassion. Many people have walked this path before you, so take some time to learn from their experiences before you charge ahead blindly.
Don't do this alone. You're going to need some support. As an addict, you will benefit greatly from working through the disclosure process with a trusted and trained guide who can help you prepare a complete and thorough timeline of your sexual history. Your spouse, meanwhile, will likely need professional help as they prepare to hear your truth and recover from betrayal trauma.
Understand your motivation. The purpose of disclosure is to share the full truth about your sexual betrayal so the relationship can be reestablished on a firm foundation of honesty. Doing this allows you to take full responsibility for your actions, brings freedom from the shame of lies and secrets, creates empathy for your spouse, and allows your spouse to make informed decisions based on reality. If you have other goals, such as manipulating your spouse into offering forgiveness by telling half-truths, you're not ready for disclosure. It's also worth noting that the process of full disclosure is not recommended if you or your spouse has already decided to leave the relationship.
Your spouse needs to know the full EXTENT of your betrayal, but not every sordid detail. It's often difficult to discern which details your spouse needs to know in order to begin healing and which ones might hinder their healing. A trusted guide can help you navigate these decisions while maintaining your commitment to rigorous honesty. As a general rule, it will be impossible for your spouse to someday fully forgive you unless they know what they're forgiving. So, if you acted out sexually with 12 different people, that's something your spouse needs to know in order to understand how they've been betrayed. Your spouse, though, probably doesn't need to know the specific details of your sexual fantasies about those 12 people. Pondering on those mental images will not be helpful for a spouse.
Don't drip it out. Making a full disclosure can bring great healing to your marriage, but a series of partial disclosures can obliterate trust and cause great harm to your spouse. "When information is acquired this way, a betrayed spouse will always wonder if there is more uncovered deception or if she asked the right questions to ascertain the whole truth," Mark and Debbie Lasser explain in their "Full Disclosure" pamphlet. Sadly, staggered disclosures are common. In their research, Corley and Schneider found that 70% of partners reported there had been more than one major disclosure, causing repeated trauma for the spouse.
Write it down and share it with a guide. This is not a time to shoot from the hip. It's likely that your brain will click into "fight, flight or freeze" mode during the stress of a formal disclosure, so it's not a time to rely on your memory. You'll need to take the time to write a thorough timeline with the help and support of a trusted guide. Delivering or receiving a full disclosure is an extremely emotional process, so having a trained third party on hand to guide the conversation is invaluable.
Don't keep distorting your spouse's reality. Many people who struggle with unwanted sexual behavior convince themselves they're protecting their spouse from unnecessary pain by withholding the truth about their selfish sexual behavior. It's a lie. Often, addicts fail to consider the harm caused by distorting another person's reality. It's extremely likely that your spouse knows something is wrong in your relationship. They may not even have words to articulate this feeling or hunch, but it's always there, nagging them. Sometimes, they trust their gut and become a private detective of sorts, always searching for clues until they confirm their fears. Other times, they trust you and begin doubting themselves. This can lead to a sense of going crazy. Here's the bottom line: You're not God, so quit acting like it and love your spouse enough to let them truly know you. Yes, being vulnerable is risky and your spouse might choose to leave you. But they might also choose to stay and work on healing their heart and the relationship, giving you the gift of being fully known and fully loved. There's only one way to find out.

You're not alone

If this all seems overwhelming, please take a deep breath and remember that you don't have to walk this path alone. As Christians, the Holy Spirit lives within us and will teach us ALL THINGS (John 14:26). And in James 5:16, God clearly tells us that confession is a necessary step for healing. "Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective."